2015 is 13 days in and I can not believe how much my life has changed. I made a New Years resolution to "not sweat the small stuff", in an effort to achieve this I decided to write a sort of mantra on how to maintain sanity this year, which will most likely be one of the biggest years of my life.
First a little background. On December 1st I decided to stop birth control with the idea of possibly getting pregnant in the New Year. Two weeks, and one pregnancy test later I had what I thought was the shock of my life. It took 7 months to conceive Stetson, a similar pattern I thought would take place with our new little life. After finding out the news Brad and I tossed around the idea of moving. Our condo is small and on the top floor, thus moving would just make life a bit easier. Well yesterday was our first ultrasound and we found out what I did not expect - ever. Twins. Yep, twins. No planning, just two babies - growing- inside me. Looks like we might be moving. I don't think I have ever been more surprised by anything in my life, and I highly doubt it will happen much more in my life. It's still very early on, and I'm reluctant to share such news, but since my husband already let the cat out of the bag, I figured why not put my feelings down.
So here I sit, trying to digest this information, while trying to still be normal. I'm scared, I'm excited, I'm extremely worried, I'm emotions I never felt before and I don't think have a name yet. I decided the best way to fully embrace what will be this new me is to write a little support blog for myself. A list of pick-me-ups, to go back on to read when I feel like "maybe I can't do this", "what if I'm the wrong person for this job". To remind myself, it's ok to be me, and no matter what. I know I'm going to love my new family and all it involves, and at the end of the day - even if it's a day where all we did was watch tv and eat pizza, I won't judge myself because regardless of the lazy days I'm a good mom, person and friend.
Here are some promises to myself:
I promise to not give a flying fig about nursing. I'm going to nurse, and I'm going to do my best - but I'm stocking up on formula. I had a VERY difficult time exclusively nursing Stetson, I can't imagine what 2 hungry babies will be like. I reserve the right to break out the bottles before pulling out my hair and knowing they are taken care of regardless.
I promise to know my love for Stetson is real, and know he knows that. He will beg for attention I won't be able to provide him and I am going to feel guilty about this and miss our relationship, but I promise to allow myself to mourn my family of 3 in order to allow myself to truly love my family of 5.
I promise to cry. I'm gonna cry so much, I don't even care. I'm gonna be emotional and sad and happy, I'm gonna laugh at inappropriate things. I'm gonna feel all the feelings and it's ok. I tend to feel guilty or insecure about my extreme feelings. I see them as signs of weakness, when the truth is my emotions make me who I am, and I'm not weak by any means so let it be.
I promise (this is a hard one) to ask for help. I realized since becoming an adult I'm kind of a control freak, something I was not in my 20's, at all. I need things orderly and I need people to keep things orderly in my exact manner. I'm going to have to let this go. "Don't sweat the small stuff", right? Well this will be a big one. I can do it all, this is true, but do I have to? I'm going to appreciate my family and myself even more if I reach out and not assume the people around me just "know" when I'm feeling overwhelmed.
I promise to not beat myself up. I had a glass of wine over christmas, I nearly broke down in the doctor's office about it. I was so upset I let myself have wine when pregnant, and so worried I messed up my future children's lives, I couldn't let myself go about it. My doctor had to talk me off the edge. It's ok to make mistakes, it's ok to let go a little, I don't have to be perfect. I should aim on doing what is best for my family, but one thing that is not good for them is tearing myself down.
I promise to learn to breath. I promise to take the time to just breath and be. I don't have to think of the 1000s of things I have to do, and constantly plan ahead, I need to let myself be in the moment, enjoy the chaos and retreat when I'm not always enjoying it.
I promise to not assume everyone is judging me, and it they are, to not give a crap. Judging is all moms seem to care to do these days. You think you would do things differently - by all means, be my guest - but I'm good not caring what you think.
I don't think this is enough, but it's a start. The fact that I had the ability to just sit down and write this out without freaking out I think is a good sign.
Cheers to a new year, new things and new lives.
Peace, love and we're gonna need a bigger boat.